“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)
Does forgiving someone mean pretending that what they did was acceptable?
That question keeps many sincere Christians stuck. We know Jesus calls us to forgive. But the wound is deep, the memory keeps coming back, and forgiveness seems to mean saying, “It doesn’t matter,” when it clearly does. So we hold back, and we feel guilty for holding back.
Let us listen carefully to what God’s grace actually asks of us.
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
Context first. Ephesians falls into two halves. Chapters 1 to 3 describe what God has done for us in Christ: chosen, adopted, redeemed, forgiven, raised and seated with Him, and joined together as one new people. Chapters 4 to 6 describe how to live in response. Paul begins the second half with “I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received” (4:1).
That order is crucial. In Scripture, what God has done (theologians call it the indicative) always comes before what we are to do (the imperative). We do not forgive in order to be forgiven. We forgive because we have been forgiven.
Today’s verse closes a paragraph about putting off the old life and putting on the new (4:22-24). Paul gets very practical. Stop lying (4:25). Deal with anger before the sun goes down (4:26). Do not grieve the Holy Spirit (4:30). “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice” (4:31). And then, in its place, today’s verse.
Look at the three key words.
“Kind” translates chrestos, meaning good, useful, gracious. It is the word Jesus used when He said His yoke is “easy” (Matthew 11:30). Kindness makes life easier for others, not harder.
“Compassionate” is eusplanchnos, literally “good-hearted.” The root word, splanchna, refers to the inner organs, the place where people felt deep emotion. It is the same family of words used when Jesus was “had compassion on” the crowds (Matthew 9:36). Paul is calling for a deep, heartfelt tenderness towards one another.
“Forgiving” is charizomenoi, from charis, grace. To forgive is literally to “grace” someone, to give them what they have not earned. And Paul immediately tells us the measure: “just as in Christ God forgave you.” Same word. The grace we give is modelled on, and flows from, the grace we have received.
Jesus told a story about this in Matthew 18:21-35. A servant owed his king an unpayable debt, and the king cancelled it completely. Then that same servant went out and seized a fellow servant who owed him a small amount, demanding payment. When the king heard, he was furious, not because the debt was unimportant, but because the forgiven man had refused to forgive. The point is not that God’s forgiveness depends on our performance. It is that a heart which has truly grasped how much it has been forgiven cannot stay closed for ever.
Now let me guard this very carefully, because misunderstandings about forgiveness have caused real harm.
Forgiveness is not saying the wrong did not matter. On the contrary, you only forgive what is genuinely wrong. Forgiveness takes sin seriously, and then chooses not to take revenge.
Forgiveness is not the same as trust. You can forgive someone and still recognise that trust needs to be rebuilt over time, and in some cases may never be safe to restore.
Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. Forgiveness can happen in your heart alone; reconciliation takes two people, and requires repentance and change from the one who did the harm.
Forgiveness does not remove accountability or consequences. If a crime has been committed, it is right for it to be reported. If someone is a danger to others, safeguarding must come first. Forgiving does not mean protecting someone from justice. It means handing the desire for revenge over to God, who “judges justly” (1 Peter 2:23).
And forgiveness is often a process rather than a single moment. You may need to bring the same hurt to God many times. When the memory comes back, it does not mean you have failed. What matters is what you do with it. Keep bringing it to Him. And let mature, trustworthy people walk with you, perhaps a pastor, a counsellor or a wise friend.
Here is the heart of the gospel underneath this verse. “In Christ God forgave you.” At the cross, God did not pretend our sin was acceptable. He judged it fully, in His Son. Jesus prayed for those who crucified Him, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). He absorbed the cost of our wrongdoing so that we could be released. Every act of forgiveness we offer is a small echo of that.
So this Saturday, do not measure your progress by whether you have stopped feeling the pain. Ask a different question: what is the next faithful step?
Maybe it is to stop rehearsing that angry speech in your head. Maybe it is to pray a simple prayer: “Lord, I choose not to take revenge. I hand this to You.” Maybe it is to talk to someone you trust about what happened. Maybe it is to pray for God’s blessing on the person who hurt you, even through gritted teeth.
You are forgiven, so you can forgive. You do not have to carry revenge into tomorrow. Bring the hurt to Jesus, and let His grace help you take the next step.
Reflection
1. Which of the misunderstandings about forgiveness (that it means pretending, trusting, reconciling or removing consequences) has kept you stuck?
2. What is one faithful step towards forgiveness that you could take today, however small?
Prayer
Father, thank You that in Christ You have forgiven me completely. Thank You that at the cross You took my sin seriously and paid its full cost. I bring You the hurt I am carrying, and I will not pretend it did not matter. Today I choose not to take revenge, and I hand my desire for justice over to You, the One who judges rightly. Give me wisdom about trust and boundaries, and surround me with people who can walk with me. Holy Spirit, make me kind and compassionate, and help me to keep taking steps towards forgiveness. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Declaration
I am forgiven, so I can forgive. I hand my desire for revenge to God, and I take the next faithful step today.
Pastor Ras
All Nations Community Church
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